in the best of blessings that god gives, is his humans. sharing pieces of each other — flowing into each other out of love for him and accepting and opening hearts and what not. its a beautiful feeling. to crack open your closed dil to let the noor of god in and let your noor shine too. allowing for space and taking up space.
as beautiful the light is, once it enters the cracks that have been dark for too long; it feels uneasy. just like when youre deep asleep, and someone turns on the white tube lights, while your eyes do the thing - twitch, and close - reflexively, to save the light of your own eyes from the outside light infiltrating. it feels like an abomination. invasion of space. the light that helps us see, feels threatening when we’re deep asleep, and the eyes dont want to see yet. it feels the same type of uneasy, when the noor of other humans enters your dil. my dil.
for far too long, to protect my smol fisted stubborn dil, chained it to myself, while giving selflessly, the doors to recieve were only reserved for the light of god to enter himself. when he did enter and settled down - and my heart fully embraced his noor, his warmth, kindness, love, and mercy — it was time to crack it open once again.
not that i was not satisfied with his light, but his light itself, attracts more light, and molds the dil in a way that looks for the light in others.
this new stage of light in my zindagi feels so familiar and yet so unknown. it is said that wound is the place where light enters you and maybe it is right. because this light did not pierce through my dil; but through my wounds. sometimes i feel them resurfacing. the slight burn of the light mixed with its warmth. its scary.
i feel the good of the light, the softness — 8 am rays of the sun shining through the tinted window, making its way softly and gently. forming shadows on the white walls that you want to capture instantly but you let it be, because it looks and feels too beautiful to waste time taking pictures. on a lazy morning. surrounding you while you do nothing. less aggressive than a hug, and more pleasing than the best feeling youve ever had. everything suddenly feels calm. everything is going to be alright. you can hear yourself breathe after 28 years. and it is not loud. the light feels like it should, and maybe even better. probably because god steered it to you. he planned the windows to be where they should be, the sun to shine at that very degree, for you to be in that spot, for it to enter, for you to see, for you to feel, while it softens and enters without being harsh. and you thank him softly. softly. softly. because like you wanted it, this light is soft; just like you prayed.
but you forgot. the darkness within you is still there.
so when the light moves past the dil, and into the wounds. it does sting. burns a little. what feels so good on the skin, does not feel so good, when it enters places that havent seen light for so long. reflexively, there’s a push. the eyes shut, and then slowly squint. years of darkness do not welcome the new light. it feels threatened. you question. should you celebrate the new light? should you mourn the death of the known darkness?
the balance feels out of balance. sometimes familiarity, even if it was dark, feels better than the uncertain. you want to cling to the darkness. it reminds you of who you are, or were. it keeps you contained. it keeps you safe. it keeps you, you. and then this new noor, challenges every tiny cell — asking to re-evaluate, to welcome, at its own terms. rejection feels automatic, yet you fight the rejection because how can you not welcome the noor of god himself?
the light he chose for you, for me.
in my gratitude, i practice patience, because even after years — i dont know if i have learned to let go before holding. i dont know if i have learned to give space for the light to take up space, instead of suffocating. i have grown, and with it the light inside me has too. i hope i am ready and i pray that i am.
a little voice inside my head says, if i wasn’t, god wouldnt have shown me the other side of the mirror reflecting my own light.
so i welcome, this roshni.
with grace
love
patience
and
vulnerability
kay har cheez chamak uthi
Every single thing rose to shining
kashaf ud duja bey jamal-lehi
And he drove out darkness through the light of his beauty